I want to lose 15-20 pounds and it makes me feel like a total douchebag. What I mean is, the fact that I'm not happy with my size (which is relatively small) right now makes me feel like a douche because I know so many people have serious weight-related issues. However, the fact of the matter is that I have gained an undisclosed amount of weight since I was 18 (once again, I am a douche for not realizing that it is unrealistic to want to have the same body you had in high school), and I want it OFF. I'm used to being skinny, all my life people called me skinny. According to my mom, my body is making it difficult for me to lose weight because the stupid thing has become convinced that now is the time for me to be bearing children and it must hold on to extra weight in order to further that goal. Attention body, and reproductive organs : I do not want a child at this point in my life. I take a pill every day to make sure that very thing does not happen. I would appreciate it if you would stop hanging on to every ounce of fat that I ingest in hopes that I will magically become pregnant.
It should become clear to my three blog readers at this point that I have major, MAJOR self esteem issues. I can count on one hand the number of times in my life when I have felt pretty. I have always, always felt like the "ugly friend" in pretty much every friendship situation I've been in. Once again, douche, looks don't equal self worth and I should be proud of myself for x y and z accomplishments, but it's so fucking hard even when I have a wonderful boyfriend who tells me I look beautiful all the time.
Here's the problem. I love food. I love to cook, I love to eat. I do try to cook healthily most of the time, but sometimes I just want a goddamn cheeseburger, all right? I exercise fairly regularly and I try to eat a lot of fruits and vegetables, but that stubborn goddamn weight refuses to come off. I realize I sound crazy and angry, but that's probably because I am. Zach loses weight if he eats healthy for one freaking day, and I can't seem to take any of it off no matter what.
Ugh, I sound whiny and horrible. I'm going to post this anyway, though. This is probably the most serious and introspective blog post I've ever written and it's a bit scary to post it.